I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
