The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
