Can Purell be used as lube?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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