Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
