flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
