Yo dont text me then not text me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
