just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
