i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
