I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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