FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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