I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
