My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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