I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
