i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
