I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
