Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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