Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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