I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
