Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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