eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
