youre lurking in front of me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Randomize
