literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
