ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have fence marks all over my body
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize