I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
