ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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