Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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