youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
