ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
