i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
