Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
