when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
