that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
