Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
