You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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