I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
