I just cut my nipple shaving
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
