my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
