I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
