remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
