apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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