Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
