Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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