You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
