I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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