I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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