listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
