Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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