You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
