I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
