The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
