The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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