is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
