I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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