saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
