conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
