They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize