Please, let me fuck your mom
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
