gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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