I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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