I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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