here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
