my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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