Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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